A Story of SelfLoathing and Coffee
by Crystal Volcheck
Summary: Steve should have known it would take more than coffee to get Tony to call a truce. He just never imagined that it would include putting the man back together one piece at a time, only scars seem a lot harder to line up than he first thought. Maybe putting Tony's armor back to together would be easier. Rated for suicide attempts/thoughts
1. Dreams of Death are Dancing in my Head

**I can honestly say that while I've read a few comics and own a few, I will be using the movies as a guide. Although there will be a few things from the comics that will pop in every now and then, like the fact that Tony has multiple doctorates. **

**This story has some pre-Stony which turns in to Stony and a more obvious one sided Science Bros, but I'm keeping them on strictly bro terms. There are many references to suicide attempts/thoughts as well as a few possible mental disorders.**

**The Avengers belong to Marvel, I just like to write stories about them. Also this for the amazing people on Tumblr, I hope you have many feels :)**

**As of 3/11/13 this story has been revamped and combined with Not So Vanilla**

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**Self-Loathing and Coffee**

_Chapter 1_

_Is is hard to imagine a life where the only thing you have to look forward to is death?_

"Aren't you going to eat something?" had been Steve's first words to Tony after 'Good Morning!' for the past two weeks since all of them had settled into Stark (read Avenger) Tower after their fight with Loki. Also for the past two weeks, Tony's answer had been the same as well.

"No time, a little SLC is all I need, Capsicle." Of course the 'Capsicle' was always switched out with other, dare Steve call them nicknames? Most of the team had come accustomed to Tony's actions, figuring that it was simply Tony being Tony. Surely, eccentric was also covered in Tony being a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, either way the Steve couldn't help but feel concerned about the older (younger?) man. There was something unsettling about how Tony would ramble on, a strange look on his face and a barely hidden haunted look in his eyes. Of course when paired with Tony's actions two weeks ago, it made Steve wonder if Tony knew that his chances of coming back alive were a near zero, and that it had to be a miracle that that he had survived. A wave of fear washed through him at the thought that Tony did know and really didn't want to survive it. He needed to talk to Bruce now, the doctor could be considered one of Tony's closest friends and if there was something wrong he'd be the first to know. Which was why he was standing at the door to Bruce's lab, thankful that Tony had been called to Stark Industries to go over more green energy plans or he'd have to set back his discussion for another day.

"Dr. Banner?" Steve called out the door opening on its own (well it was actually JARVIS just following Bruce's order to let the other man in.)

"Mr. Rogers, as many times as you tell me to call you Steve, I've told you to call me Bruce." The scientist never turned from the table he was working at, hand scribbling down what looked like gibberish to Steve.

"Sorry, hard habit to break."

"Understandable, so what's on your mind? You don't often come to the labs, at least not willingly." The tone of the doctor's voice had Steve wondering if Tony had been influencing Bruce during their time spent together or if he was just a milder counterpart to Tony's brand of snark.

"I actually came to ask you about Tony." The scribbling stopped instantly, Bruce taking his glasses off and standing to face the super soldier. There was clear message of 'I don't exactly trust where you're going'.

"Why not ask him yourself?"

"We don't exactly see eye to eye."

"Not exactly a secret, Steve."

"I know, but I was wondering if you knew why Tony seems to have so many secrets." Bruce raised his eyebrows at the statement, sure, he and Tony had had a few heart to hearts. Tony had even claimed that Bruce was his new best friend, out ranking Rhodey on the best friend scale and even though Tony was drunk when he said it the sentiment was still there. A sentiment that Bruce had taken to heart, which was certainly proved by the other guy's protective streak when it came to Tony out in the field.

"It's not exactly a secret, but I really can't tell you all the same."

"Then what can you tell me?" Steve sighed mentally; he should have known that it wouldn't have been so easy.

"It's not about secrets, it's about empathy."

"Empathy?" the word sounded strange to Steve as it fell from his lips. It sounded even stranger when paired with Tony.

"Why do you think Clint and Natasha get along so well? Or why Tony and I understand each other? It's more than just dashing good looks, Steve."

"So if I want to get to know Tony, I have to learn how to understand him?" Steve winced at unsure his voice sounded. He had barely begun to figure out the 21st century and now Bruce was telling him to figure out Tony Stark.

"It's a bit more complicated than that, Tony needs more than understanding, but he doesn't need the sympathy or pity that normally comes with it." Bruce's eyes seemed to flare green for a moment as he fixed a glare at Steve, "but I'm more curious as to why you're so suddenly interested in Tony." A slight smirk graced Bruce's lips seeing how Steve flinched under his gaze followed by a blush that went straight to the tips of his ears as he stumbled over how to answer the doctor's question.

"I'm worried, Bruce, I mean he…he's just so infuriating. He acts like he has no regard for anyone other than himself, but then spends most of his time trying to make sure everyone is safe during a mission or has the highest quality equipment." Steve swallowed thickly, trying to gather his thoughts before he broke out into a full ramble. "I can't figure him out at all. He has so many masks, I just can't understand the why, or if he even still knows who he is."

"Sounds like guilt, left over from the Loki incident, I mean what did you say to him? That there were men worth ten of him?" Hurt flashed across Steve's face; if Bruce had blinked a second sooner he would have missed it.

"I didn't know him then Bruce."

"And you still don't now, if you want to make things right you're going to have to look closer. Since the only thing you do know about him, is that he has just as many masks as he has armors." A soft smile graced Bruce's features; he couldn't play the protective best friend when Steve had such a kicked puppy look. "I'll give some advice to get you started. Never under any circumstance bring up Howard Stark."

The advice seemed rather useless to Steve, he had learned long ago that Tony Stark was fire, uncontrollable, burning fast, not even the man's steel blue eyes could stop the flames. Everything about him screamed of the slow burning energy, the smooth olive skin and oil black hair. A sharp smile that revealed perfectly white teeth that covered an even sharper tongue Stable in appearance, but with the right conditions or lack of supervision and the man would burn himself out. Yes, it was quite fighting that Tony Stark was fire.

Or at least he was in his core, when he was at his worst, when he had been pushed to his limits. Steve Rogers could handle fire, he simply had to become ice. A simple task for a soldier, to shut down emotion long enough to get through. What he couldn't handle was spice, it left a pleasant burn that always made you want more. A burn that even when gone somehow managed to leave a phantom pain. Spice always varied in strength, causing him to always be on his toes. Unsure if it would be a bittersweet ghost of cinnamon or a sharp crack of clove.

Tony was spice on his best days and any other. A burning core of fire enveloped in spice and if that was Tony then Steve was a tame vanilla with an icy core. It simply made sense as to why they never seemed to get along, they were fire and ice at their worst. What didn't make sense was how Steve found himself craving spice, craving for Tony's lips on his. He wasn't sure when it had started, maybe it had been a few days ago in the kitchen when he came across Tony and Bruce looking over scientific journals and comparing notes. It wasn't an unusual sight in any way, no what caught Steve's attention was the sharp scent of cloves in the air.

_"Tony are you drinking tea?" he had asked in surprise, he had never seen the man drink anything but coffee and scotch. In fact there was a betting pool at S.H.E.I.L.D. over if Tony was actually a robot or cyborg._

_"Chai, a near perfect mix of cloves, cinnamon, and ginger. Bruce and I got tired of all the green tea that everyone insists is healthy."_

_"Because it is healthy," Bruce chuckled in response a warn smile as he looked up catching Tony's eye. "Although, I will agree that Chai is more to my tastes."_

_"Which reminds me, there's this cupcake place a few blocks away, Pepper swears that they have Chai Latte cupcakes that are to die for. What do you say Brucie? Want to make it a date?"_

Steve hadn't stayed long enough to hear the doctor's reply, he had been caught up in the swell of jealousy he had felt grip his heart. A swell of jealousy that hadn't made any sense to him, he didn't feel that way about Tony so why should he care if the two scientist's went out on a date?

Then why was he catching himself staring at Tony's lips when the man talked? Wondering he he would be able to taste on the other man's tongue. Feel the the bittersweet burn it had left behind, feel it as it over took his senses. Perhaps Tony's olive skin would taste the same, he imagined running his tongue down the engineer's neck. Over the slightly raised scar tissue surrounding the arc reactor, taking time to circle the near seamless edge where skin and metal came together.

A half moan escaped Steve's lips bringing him back to reality. Which lucky for him was in the privacy of his bedroom with a hand down the front of his sweatpants, he hastily removed his hand now frustrated in more ways than one. At least he could solve one way with a long cold shower, a trip to the gym, and another cold shower.

"Hey Cap, movie night, you in?" Tony's smooth voice startled him as he paused from his training to get a drink. Suddenly the smaller man was right next to him, close enough for Steve to catch an oddly alluring combination of coconut, cinnamon, and something else he couldn't quite place.

"Sounds great, just let me grab a shower first." Steve found it hard to breathe as he finally turned around to see Tony, his eyes drinking in the engineer's appearance. He had just come out of the workshop, from welding actually as Steve finally placed the last scent he had been looking for. Tony's hair was disheveled a pair of welding goggles pulled to the top of his head forgotten. A light sheen of sweat coating his skin, causing the already tight black tank top to cling to every curve of his body. Steve hadn't noticed until that moment just how muscular Tony's arms were, nowhere near Thor or himself of course, but each gesture set off a ripple of muscle, reflecting the years of hard work he had added to the Stark legacy.

"See you in the rec room then, it's old school horror night." That was it a quick smile and Tony was making his way to the door. Steve swallowed thickly at the sight, Tony had a certain swagger in his step that only someone with such broad shoulders and narrow waist could pull off, not to mention the hint of hips which swayed in the most tempting way. Another cold shower before movie night certainly seemed like the right idea.

Of course things were never easy and movie night had been canceled, Clint and Natasha had been called in for a mission and Bruce was called in to look over something the Fantastic Four had encountered on one of their expeditions.

It had been a week since Steve had spoken to Bruce and he seemed to be no better off than he had before. Tony's mood had also shifted, he had been even more jumpy and anti-social than usual, his moods in a state of whiplash. Which seemed to grow worse as the Avengers where picked apart for separate missions, it had only been him and Tony for the past day. He ripped out another page of his sketch book, unhappy with how the shading had looked, it seemed like he just couldn't focus a creeping feeling that something bad was about to happen or had happened right under his nose.

"Captain Rogers your presence is requested in sir's workshop immediately." JARVIS's crisp accented voice cut through the air in way that sounded panicked.

In a matter of seconds in which he couldn't remember leaving the rec room and entering the workshop his heart dropped at the sight before him.

"Tony?!" his voice hit a high pitch in his panic to find the engineer, catching sight of a leg and scuffed sneakers just behind one the tables. "JARVIS what happened?"

"An over consumption of alcohol, my sensors indicate that there is no risk of alcohol poisoning, but I fear that was sir's goal."

"All right Tony, hang on, let's get you cleaned up and in bed." Steve gingerly stepped over empty bottles and broken glass, rolling Tony on to his back so he could carry him princess style to the man's floor.

"JARVIS, can you get someone to clean this up?"

"DUM-E and BUTTERFINGERS are already working on it Captain Rogers." Steve was only half listening, more focused on the man in his arms, Tony seemed so small to him now. Dark circles under his eyes, hair wild, and skin pale and streaked with black oil. It was disturbing to see Tony in that way, and just picking him up he could tell that Tony had lost a fair amount of weight.

"S-Steve?" full, dark eyelashes fluttered, opening just enough for Steve to catch a glimpse of warm chocolate-colored eyes.

"Don't worry Tony, we're going to get you cleaned up and back together in no time."

"Should've left me alone." The words were spoken so softly that if it wasn't for the serum, Steve would have missed it, but before he could even reply, Tony's eyes closed just as quickly as they had opened.

"Oh, Tony why would you do something like this to yourself?" Steve asked mostly to himself as he propped Tony up on the headboard so he could get a washcloth to at least wash some of the oil and grease from the engineer's skin. He couldn't help but feel guilty over this as he pulled off Tony's black tank-top the light from the reactor filling the room, trying to ignore the scent of alcohol that clung to it. His eyes widened at the sight of Tony's torso, he had never seen the arc reactor so close before nor had thought there would be so much scarring he knew there would have to be some, but it seemed like there was more than what should have been there. For a moment, he was completely transfixed by the smooth metal of the arc reactor and how the light bathed everything in various shades of blue. He quickly shook it off, disturbed by how white the scars looked under the light.

"I wish you'd stop hiding everything and let someone help you for once." Steve whispered taking hold of Tony's hand to begin scrubbing his arm. There were scars all over his hands as well, that peppered out up his arms, but most of these were faded, a closer match to Tony's skin tone. It was weird knowing that Tony was a billionaire, but still had such calloused and scarred hands that showed years of hard work. It was as if Tony had never had help from anyone growing up and had learned to do everything himself, but even if that was true it didn't explain why Tony spread himself so thin trying to take care of everyone else.

"Now that I know you've made armor before, I wish I knew why." He paused suddenly losing his trail of thought on how Tony had built up armor to keep people out, noticing a few scars that seemed out of place. They were old, but they weren't random, in fact they were perfect straight lines that ran right over the inside of Tony's wrist. He frowned trying to ignore the thought in the back of his mind and leaned over to check Tony's other wrist, where he found identical scars. His heart fell in that moment Bruce's words echoing in his mind.

_Why do you think Clint and Natasha get along so well? Or why Tony and I understand each other? It's more than just dashing good looks, Steve._

"Oh, Tony…what could ever have made you get so low?" the guilt was overwhelming him now, those scars the only proof he needed to know that his fears were true. He finished cleaning the oil and grease as quickly as possible, finding a new tank top for Tony with the help of JARVIS. (He didn't bother with Tony's jeans, not wanting to know what type of underwear Tony wore especially not after the laundry incident when a red thong ended up with his clothes, a red thong that certainly didn't not belong to Natasha.) Steve sighed once more, trying to push his guilt back long enough to pull Tony's shoes off and flip him over so that the engineer wouldn't asphyxiate on his own vomit when the alcohol decided to express its more unpleasant side effects.

"Dr. Banner will be returning from SHIELD in two hours. Sir's workshop has also been cleaned and I will be monitoring Sir, would you like to know when he wakes Captain?"

"Yes, thank you JARVIS. Could you also block Tony's access to any alcohol he has in the Tower?"

"I've already done so, Captain. Might I suggest you try to relax before the Dr. Banner's return?" Steve didn't respond. How was he supposed to relax knowing that Tony was conscious of his own self-destruction? That Tony didn't care about himself in any way? Steve felt sick, all of the petty arguments he had with Tony, he had been telling Tony exactly what he didn't want to hear all because he believed that it was true. All the times Steve had trying to knock Tony down a peg he had actually been burying the man instead.

Steve continued to pace the hallway lost in thought, looking over at Tony's door every so often. Unsure of what to do, part of him wanted to be right my Tony's side and another part of him told him to keep his distance. That if he began to hover and try to help Tony the man would react badly and the reckless behavior would simply increase. But the overwhelming amount of guilt won out, he had allowed Tony to drink himself into a stupor and would see it that Tony wouldn't feel the need to do it again in the future.


	2. Why Do You Care?

**Just a quick thank-you to Sano S. Sagara for pointing out a few errors, turns out I uploaded the first draft of this chapter by accident. Guess I got distracted when my boyfriend called me to cancel our date. Anyway, I doubt this chapter is perfect or flawless, but it should be better than before, and it should be the right chapter.**

**Anyway enjoy ^^**

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A Story of Self-loathing and Coffee

Chapter Two

_No one has ever cared before, why would they start now?_

Steve remembered reading Tony's file (he had read all of the Avengers' files) but at the time, he had been too caught up in the 21st century and saving the world to really notice anything odd. Only now that he thought about it, there were odd breaks where information had just seemed to be lost. Or really, information that was classified to even his eyes, but Steve couldn't possibly think of something that would need to be classified. After all, he knew about Afghanistan and the palladium poisoning what else could there be?

Only he couldn't shake Bruce's comments from his mind, on how he and Tony got along so well. It had confirmed his worst fear that Tony had known his chances of survival during Loki's invasion when he took the nuke into the portal. It didn't make sense why a man like Tony would want to end his life. Even without giving a second thought that saving a life would cost a life there was still part of the mind that clung to survival. A part of the mind that Tony didn't seem to have, even beyond that Tony was the man who had everything and could get anything. How could he possibly be unhappy? Steve was too lost in thought to hear Bruce enter the rec room.

"Glad to see you and Tony getting along." Bruce had joked upon finding Steve alone, but froze instantly knowing that something what wrong. The blond's whole body tensed and the room was flooded with a heavy sense of guilt. "Steve what happened?"

"Did you know?" the doctor flinched at the tone of the question, but tried to keep his tone even in return as the Other Guy stirred in the back of his mind.

"You're going to have to be more specific."

"Tony's been drinking again."

"What? Why?" Steve couldn't be angry with Bruce seeing as the doctor didn't know that Tony had fallen back to old habits, but that hadn't been the hardest question to ask. No, the hardest question he had yet to ask he already knew the answer to.

"I don't know the why, but JARVIS called me down after Tony passed out; I took him to his room and cleaned him up. He should still be sleeping it off." Bruce was silent unsure of how to respond to the news, he knew that it was only the beginning by the look on Steve's face.

"There's more." The scientist simply stated and Steve gave a grim nod in return.

"On the helicarrier you said you tried to put a bullet in your mouth, but the Other Guy spit it out. And then just a few days ago you told me that you and Tony were close, you didn't tell me why, just that you were." Steve paused to take a breath. "I saw the scars Bruce; I saw that Tony had tried to kill himself at least once. How many times has he tried?"

"Only one time according to medical records."

"What about off record?"

"He lost count." Steve ground his teeth together, brushing Bruce off before he had a chance to speak, making a beeline for the gym. He needed to hit something, now.

The gym was the only place he could go to stop thinking and eventually he lost track of time it wasn't until JARVIS's crisp accented voice cut through the gym and startled him that he came out of his rage-fueled trance. "JARVIS how long have I been down here?"

"Approximately 47 minutes and 32 seconds Captain." No wonder his hands were beginning to hurt Steve looked down at the dozen or so destroyed punching bags and felt sick. He quickly unwrapped his hands and made his way to Tony's room. The gym could always be cleaned later, although he would need a shower before the end of the day.

Steve could hear the distinct sound of retching coming from Tony's private bathroom and cringed as he opened the door to the large bedroom and the volume increased. He waited for the retching sound to stop before entering Tony's room, light spilling out from the open bathroom door.

"JARVIS remind me to find easier ways to kill myself." Tony's voice was rough and broken sounding as he crept to the bathroom.

"Shall I locate the list you've made sir?"

"No, no, keep it locked." Another round of vomit almost had Steve turning away, but he could still make out the reflection of Tony's back in the mirror.

"Might as well come in Cap." Steve did so and frowned at the sight. He had never seen the brunet look so drained.

"So were you planning on drinking yourself to death?"

"Not a good time Cap," a rather pitiful groan sounded from Tony. "I haven't been this sick from booze since my first year of MIT."

"It's never a good time for you."

"And there it is. What do you want tell me this time? That I'm irresponsible? A liability? A waste of space? I've heard it all and I've heard it more than once."

"I just want to know why. Why you did this to yourself?"

"I'm surprised you care, no one cares, except Bruce, but it's not enough."

"What about the rest of the team? What about Rhodey or Pepper?"

"All bought, besides, Pepper left." Tony was starting to stand, limbs visibly shaking as he made his way over to the sink for mouthwash.

"Wait, when did that happen?" Steve couldn't even focus on the first claim that Tony had bought most of his friends, which certainly wasn't true.

"A week ago, said she couldn't handle how reckless I was. How I couldn't always be there for her, that it was selfish how I never thought about how my actions would affect her." There was a long silence as Tony swished and spit, Steve was unsure of how to react to that statement. "Can you believe that? I'm selfish for risking my life to save thousands."

"Tony…"

"But she's right, you know. I am selfish, but not for the reasons everyone thinks." The words were slurred and barely above a whisper. Suddenly Steve was rushing forward as Tony's knees buckled, catching the genius with ease.

"JARVIS! Get Bruce in here quick!"

"According to my scans Sir is fine Captain Rogers; it is merely his body taking the opportunity to catch up on the 137 hours of sleep he's missed, but has been alerted and is on his way."

"He hasn't slept for 5 days?" the words were barely above a whisper as he looked down hearing Tony beginning to snore softly.

"It's hardly an achievement; Sir has gone much longer without sleep, Captain."

"He shouldn't have to JARVIS."

"I agree, but Sir has always been this way, his thought process leaves him unable to get an adequate amount of rest." If the AI could even get tired, JARVIS would have sounded on the verge of exhaustion as if watching Tony self-destruct had finally taken its toll.

"I checked on him earlier, I'm honestly surprised he woke up long enough to vomit." Steve simply carried the engineer to bed once more thankful to see Bruce.

"How can he believe that he's worthless or selfish?"

"When you're told something enough, you start to believe it." Bruce supplied an answer moving to check Tony's vitals.

"Then who would be that blind to not see what an amazing person Tony is?"

"Most recently you," the words were not made to be hurtful, but Steve winced at them anyway. "But the first to plant the seed was Howard." Steve fell silent for the remainder of the night and went to his own room after being assured by both Bruce and JARVIS that Tony would be fine physically.

A week went by before Steve saw Tony again; it had been made clear by the fourth day that the genius was avoiding him. One instance involved walking in to the rec room where Natasha and Tony were discussing some French film, before he could even say hello the brunet made an excuse of needing to check on some tests for Clint's new set of arrows and brushed by him.

Soon enough the whole team was aware of the tension between Steve and Tony, but thankfully were steering clear of the mess. It wasn't affecting them in the field, at least it wasn't for the time being, but it would soon enough. So when Steve saw the genius standing silent with a steaming cup of coffee in hand he took his chance to confront him.

"Tony, we need to talk." Tony looked up startled, wide eyes meeting Steve's unable to hide his fear because Steve _knew_, knew the one secret that even his father had helped hide.

"There's nothing to talk about, Captain." The coffee cup was set down with a low _clink_ on the marble counter as if to say 'end of conversation'. Steve had intended for the conversation to be civil, break Tony as gently as possible, but the genius could ruffle his feathers by just saying hello a certain way.

"Bullshit, I saw the scars, this isn't the first time. You're part of this team and I care about you. Do you really think that you're not worth anything?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you, I have therapists for that. Besides what I think of myself is none of your god damned business!"

"It is my business! Fury was right not to want you for the Avengers, I can't have someone who's suicidal out there on the field. You're a danger not only to yourself but the team as well." Shit. That was the wrong thing to say, Steve watched as Tony's mask fell in to place, face perfectly calm, not the slightest hint of emotion. This was not how it was supposed to go.

"And here I thought you actually cared, you know what Rogers? Go fuck yourself; if you want me off the team then I'm off the team." Tony spat moving to escape to his workshop trying to ignore the prickling sensation that was the beginnings of tears. His throat tightened and he dug his nails into his palms, there was no way he was going to cry, not in front of fucking Captain America at least.

"I do care Tony." Steve grabbed his arm, perhaps a bit too roughly when he saw the genius flinch. He loosened his grip ever so slightly; he needed Tony to know that he cared about _him_more than the team now. "And I'm not going to let you run away."

"But not about me and I'm not running, I'm just doing what's best for the team, just like you want because that's what you really care about." The brunet snapped, "Now let me go." Steve dropped Tony's arm and let the genius go. He suddenly felt guilty looking over where the coffee sat, now turning cold. This wasn't what Tony needed.

He needed someone to convince him that he was worth something, worth everything and he knew that he'd have to break down Tony's real armor to see why the genius felt that way first.

It was another two weeks before he saw Tony again, the genius looked worse than he could remember dark circles under lifeless steel eyes, hair unkempt, with burns and tears in his clothes.

"Why aren't you suiting up?" Steve had barked as alarms went off, SHIELD informing them Dr. Doom tearing apart Manhattan and demanding worthy challengers since the Fantastic Four were currently out exploring space.

"I'm off the team remember? Besides you can handle some doombots without me doing something stupid and life risking." Tony pushed passed Steve; he had a meeting with Pepper over R&D in 2 hours and was in need of coffee. He already had more than enough self-loathing to go with it.

"We need Iron Man!" Steve was quick to snap going after the genius, but at his words Tony turned and met Steve's eyes with an icy glare.

"The suit and I are one; if Tony Stark is benched then Iron Man isn't coming out to play." Steve growled low in his throat at the comment; he needed to go now if he was going to be any help to the rest of the team.

"Why are you acting like such a brat over this? Put on the suit!"

"Give me one damn good reason and it better not be any of this 'you're needed' bullshit because we both know that anyone can put on the suit." Steve fell silent because that was the truth, anyone could put on the suit and fight. "Nothing? Then I believe you have to go save New York."

Tony was really starting to piss him off now, but he knew what he getting in to after he saw the scars. The genius had created armor to protect himself years ago to keep from getting hurt, but it was always the people closest to Tony who ended up hurting him the most and now Tony refused to let anyone in or more importantly refused to let anybody help him.

The battle wasn't as quick as the past ones they had with Doombots, without Tony they had limited aerial coverage for even with Thor being a god he couldn't be everywhere at once. _Tony._ Even thinking of the genius caused his stomach to twist with guilt, the look on the man's face when he left had been heartbreaking. All he wanted to do was take a shower and apologize to Tony.

"Captain Rogers, may I have a word?" A spike of fear shot down Steve's back at the sound of Fury's voice. He knew should have skipped debrief at the helicarrier and gone straight back to the tower to clean up as Fury lead him into his office and told him to take a seat.

"Yes, Director Fury?"

"I want to know why Stark asked to be removed from the Avengers. I thought he was just being a pain in the ass, but when he didn't report today and I called, he said I should talk to you." Fury's gaze was cold and Steve was starting feel afraid, but if he could punch Hitler over 200 times, he could tell Fury the truth.

"I felt that Mr. Stark was too unstable to handle the responsibility of being part of a team and may have suggested such actions be considered."

"Cut the bullshit Rogers. What happened?"

"Sir?"

"I know Stark is an annoying pain in the ass, but he would never bench himself unless something major occurred and as far as I know Stark isn't dying nor does he have an injury Although even then I don't think it would happen so what did you say to Stark?"

Steve shifted uncomfortably in his chair as Fury stared him down before letting out a long-suffering sigh and began to speak. "I recently learned that Tony had attempted suicide in the past, at least once. It was an accidental discovery actually and when I went to confront him about it, well you can imagine what words might have been exchanged."

"I was with Howard when he got the call and I also helped him sweep the story under the rug and every other time after that," Fury replied leaning back in his own chair. "But on that day Howard made me promise to keep an eye on Tony, and I hate to say that I've failed to keep that promise." Something akin to horror crossed Steve's face for a moment as he processed the information.

"Didn't Howard care that Tony did this to himself?"

"The Howard you knew and the Howard that Tony and I knew were very different, he wasn't the greatest father, but he wasn't the worst. No, Howard saw that there was something very different about Tony and had no idea how to deal with it. I don't think any of us did and I still think we don't, but you Captain might be able to."

"I'm trying to sir. The minute I saw those scars, I had to know why and even if Bruce knows he won't say. It bothers me that Tony doesn't think he's worth anything, well anything except sacrifice." Steve found his throat tightening up, the conversation suddenly felt intimate on his part. Fury simply nodded at his words before responding.

"I can tell from Tony's sudden drop from the team that you've gotten under his skin, but you're being reckless about it. You can't just tear a man apart without knowing anything about how he was built. I'm giving you full access to Stark's records, even some that he doesn't know he has, however," Fury stood and made his way to the door. "If Tony lands in the hospital from anything self-inflicted or misses the hospital completely and goes 6 feet under instead for the same reason you will wish you were still frozen. Understand Captain?"

"Yes, sir." Steve swallowed his fear and made his way out of the office as calmly as possible.


End file.
